Well I Guess It Would Be Nice

If i could touch your body...I know not everybody...has a body like you.


Indeed, not many people have a body like Ilkka. He has a broken rib cage and one snapped bone just sticks out from the middle of his chest, and, at a certain angle, his arms look like he spent a few yrs in Auschwitz.

The texts are so boring - me - ''I love you, but am having an exiting life in your absence nevertheless'' him - every tiny minute detail about the weather with some love thrown in at the end.

I'm reconciled to it now though.

Nick Cave was great, I have been describing it as like being penetrated by a great big throbbing cock of music, and as such I danced like a stripper throughout the whole thing, trying to work out if the guy next to me was turned on by my repeatedly bashing him with my gyrating hips. Good times. He played DEANNA and the last song was Into My Arms which I loved but was worried it was directed at Susie Bick and not me.

Had super fun times chucking an aerobie around with Siobhanavara and Rob last night, followed by a jazz fest in the kitchen with lots of cigarettes and cider.

Chloe is A GENIUS (feat. nick cave)

dear thing. why is chloe so much more cleverer than me. it is really unfair, much like life.
if you want to know what i am talking about click here and click on the cartoon. if you are familiar with look its a face it helps to appreciate chloes genius.

ps i am going to see nick cave tomorrow night. ilkka is not! but ilkka doesnt even like nick cave so it doesnt have the requisite jealousy factor. hm to the fucking ph!!

Ahem

the post below makes me sound like a complete troll with serious abandonment issues. and so it should. thats me in a nutshell! welcome to the blog of the vilest girlfriend in living history! you can contact ilkka on his facebook which he checks religiously to console him.
man...blogs are like totally revealing.

Hyper Romance

As a special treat i am going to introduce you to the wonders of Kirsty/Ilkka texting. Fell free to psychoanalyse us to your hearts content. Essentially though, I'm wet - he's dry. my additional comments are in brackets.

Text 1 (from me)monday evening.

''miss you SO MUCH! had a picnic somewhere nice with Darran and Sarah yet it was nothing compared to coming home to you ,(if Darran or Sarah are reading this - that was an exagerration in the name of romance y'all AND the vain hope that some sentiment would be returned) Hope alls' well, wearing your t shirt. Love you x''

reply:

''Yeah its all good. I slept most of the flight but im still in need of a good nights sleep (wow ilkka thrill me thrill me thrill me) weathers good, not too hot just perfect (you've been in britain too long. contrary to popular belief we are NOT fascinated by the weather.) Love you x (i said that already! 1 point though.)''

my reply to THAT (feeling communicative.)

''Perfect timing, i was just on my way to bed (as in, getting a text from you before bed is sooooooo romantique). Woke up with a wasp in the room this morning, had to leap out of bed screaming so quite tired also! (witty anecdote, right?) x goodnight Ilkka, hope i see you in my dreams.(i know. im a desperate woman.)''

no reply. day two. (tuesday - today)

me:

''went out with anna. she's bored of photography that doesnt have a social conscience (anna, if YOU'RE reading this, sorry - im reducing to soundbytes here!) and feels fed up with london too (as above). love you x(standardly)''

2 mins later, me again:

''And its beautful weather. i bought some roll ups and im about to make....a salad. ha ha youre coming home to a model baby (sic: i am a neurotic twat who lives to make you feel good about yourself. baby.).''

reply:

'Safe. (^%&%£££$!!!!!! safe? SAFE????SAFE????? i find this deeply insulting.It was much warmer today. (so fucking what? is it a competition? shut up about the weather.)beleive it or not we havent been to any bars. WE GOT SAUNA! (ok, finland i get it sauna is the best thing that could ever happen to you, you never want to be anywhere ever again where there is no sauna it is torture etcetc.)Tomorrow im off to malaga to skate and film with whoevers up for it (again, a deeply non-thrilling slice of information there that most importantly has nothing to do with me.) Love you x (that's more of a head-nod in my direction than anything else and dont think i dont know it.)''

my reply:

''ok im jealous. well done. im sure you are having 1000x better time than i am. im watching how to look good naked (stupid show where fashionable gay man hawks up ugly women to look like fashionable gay men)for fucks sake. (i am frustrated. you are on holiday and im not. you better start being a bit more frigging romantic, wilko, or i am going to kill myself and you can have fun coming home to my stinking corpse swaying in the living room. yeah, i would do that to spite you HA! HA!)''

i will keep you posted on the romantic text front. lucky for me ilkka would not give one iota of a shit to look at my blurg while he's away. boo hoo hoo!

Hooray

I just put my knickers on the right way round. They were on backwards all day, with the ruching that's supposed to highlight your buttcheeks highlighting my fanny instead. Balance is restored to the universe, sorry about that glitch.

Do You Want to

Go to THIS tomorrow night? I do. But I won't because my PTSD is in full effect, flashbacks and everything.

Doris Lessing

Reacting to her Nobel win hahahaha, guan with yo bad self, Doris!

It's a Janis Day

definitely, Janis.

i lOVE yOU eMin

i need me this tshirt. and a GODDAM BICYCLE GODDAMMIT (i watched The Sum of All Fears (based on a tom clancy novel) the other night now everything is GODDAM this eg: I cannot get this GODDAM pillow to be comfortable) and it made me have another apocalyptic nuclear dream.

i love emin. she fucking rocks it. the new background is by her... little birds and ivy ohhhh to be a feminist is to be so dainty yet simultaneously a powerhouse of smash and grab

Camera! on a Phone!

my feet r so cutie wooty woo woo! arent they! dirty white shoes and wickle wed socks awe i am so sweet of feet.

if i don't have a very english window like this one day i will be cross.

These were taken with my phone camera. not bad qual. i reckon.

By the Way

If you eat salad for lunch and dinner for six days straight and THEN you eat pork & apple sausages, mashed potato, onion gravy followed by banoffee pie with clotted cream, 3 pints of guinness and two cigarettes you puke your guts up. in fact you puke up the entire £23 you spent on consumables that day. i basically carried that food from the pub to home and then deposited it straight into the toilet via my mouth and nose.
grose.

and yesterday i realised that i have been stressed since birth! i never wanted to take a shit when i was little coz it took too long and i had better things to do.

but also i didnt want to because my stepmother told me ''god is everywhere'' and i felt violated when it came to going to the toilet.

Still Fighting the Good Fight

HUGE CONGRATS TO MAREK AND HIS BAND LITMUS FOR BEING WINNERS!
WIN, WIN AND WIN AGAIN!
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

lol n shit

if you sing the hokey cokey in your head it corresponds EXACTLY to the graph now thats what i call (a)musi(-c+ng)!

The goddam bitchin nature of swings y'all

I love Raymi's swing painting, I love your swing painting Raymi.
I just love swings. ask anyone. Especially anyone who grew up and took drugs with me when I lived on the estate in Cranbrook. Oh we had rad times swinging out there in the communal playground, on pills, speed, coke...all of it while the curtain twitchin madwoman across the road made big plans to put up cctv cameras and get a policeman to stand guard so we could never swing on them ever.
the same woman who had an eviction letter sent to me and my mum, because she claimed mum was a ''witch'' (long hair, never came out except to feed birds) and i was a ''prostitute'' (road safety lights flashing in my window, all friends were male).
that was a good letter i'll see if my ma kept it.

Incidentally

this was the upshot of Fuck Gay Kids.

Can you see the little anarchy symbol in the bottom right? i also wanted to write ''KNOWLEDGE IS POWER'' but sadly, strength is frowned upon and aquiescing reigns supreme in our current society, so i settled instead for a cute little James Joyce number.
the stupidnames attributed to my characters are there at the behest of a small child, one of my many groupies that i had while drawing this work, don't worry, I'm going to change one of the names to a female one and draw a big vagina on it too.